In the last half hour, I have gone from goofing off and singing along to Dwight Yoakum's Fast As You to feeling as though I'm drowning in the fear that's been absent these last few hours.
I've been sober three and a half years, April 21st will be four, and yet I've been craving alcohol worse than I have in at least six months lately, to the point I've seriously considered starting to drink again, even though I remember how hard it was to quit, and how much I hated who I was when I was drinking.
Right now, my fear is taking over- I don't know what triggered this today, I wish I did. All I know is that I'm terrified I'll never be able to remain in one relationship or one place very long. I'm scared I'm doomed to be one of the "broken" girls who moves endlessly from relationship to relationship, all doomed, all just waiting to end. I've never been what most would consider a "good girl"- I've always been reckless and wild, but I'm scared there's always going to be that division between me and "those" girls... The ones who marry one man, have children, and spend the rest of their lives with them, the ones who can trust a man completely, who can trust anyone completely, and control themselves and their fear enough to keep themselves and their man happy and together.... I'm not sure I'll ever be one of those girls.
This is PTSD, even as I sit here and recognize the symptoms, the habits, the all-or-nothing thinking, the hopelessness... Even though I can identify them, I cannot make them go away.
No comments:
Post a Comment