I've been pretty stuck the last year or so- things have moved forward, but at a PAINFULLY slow rate.
Until today, I didn't even think I was CAPABLE of accepting that I do, indeed, have a disability. My disability does not require a wheelchair, crutches, a seeing eye dog (more on that later) or any other physical assistance.
It does require me to be very, very careful with myself, to take a MAJOR step back when I stumble on something new that puts me into a meltdown, to forgive myself on a daily basis for not being able to do simple things I swear I should be able to do- and alone.... I have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, or PTSD. I have seen/done/been through/experienced/learned a LOT. I have had friends who were in what most would consider the most brutal portion of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, saw things over there that I can't even describe without wanting to cry- and two of these guys have looked me in the face and told me they wouldn't trade pasts with me for anything. Today, though, I am happy to be alive. Coming from someone who spent a week in the ICU when it all got really, really out of control for a while, that is a VERY big deal.
I don't have just one story as to why I have PTSD- some people do. I don't have any reason to think my symptoms are likely to just vaporize or even get a heck of a lot better.... but the fact that, today, I walked into the bathroom in a public place (I don't like public places, either, as agoraphobia is a stressful part of my symptoms) and didn't kick myself for going straight to the big, spacious, safe handicap stall. I heard the door open and heard myself explain in my mind why I wasn't wrong for using the handicap stall- a rehearsal of sorts, for the ever-lingering fear of confrontation by people ignorant to invisible disabilities. As I'd been out with my biker family, I wasn't able to have my service dog beside me, and she alternately creates and dispels a lot of unwanted questions. As I've been working hard to transition out of needing her constantly (which is a much, much harder task than one would immediately assume, I might add) this was a mostly-welcome opportunity for me to give it a shot. I really, really hate crowds. I made it through, though, and, when the lady that came into the bathroom after me opened a conversation I didn't want to have- there wasn't one I would have initiated myself at that point- I was rewarded to have it be a surprisingly positive one. It ended in a compliment about my skin and the fact that the motorcycle club had just given certificates of appreciation to some local vets for the Veteran's Day holiday.
I have two really wonderful married friends, K&K, who have two wonderful teenagers, M&M, all of whom I have known a couple years now and whom I love very, very much. K&K are the funniest, most honest and completely country interracial couple I've ever met. There is no "I'm mixed" or explanations- just straight up he's-Black-she's-White-they're-happy. M&M are from her previous marriage, and both are very, very attached to KDaddy. They still see their bio dad frequently, but both seem to take the attitude that they accept it but don't have to like it. They're both good looking, intelligent, funny, honest and very-together kids. They have become my family. Not in a claim-you-as-my-sister type of way, but in a true, can't-deny it way. i spend almost every weekend there, MGirl gives up her bed happily for me to use it, and I am never focused on stress or fear there. I just am home. We all look out for one another, though I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disproportionately spoiled there.
And now I have a boyfriend, too.
For someone with as many trust issues, and as much discomfort as I find in being obligated to anyone, finding this balance with people who will remind me as often as I need that they aren't leaving me, they aren't giving up on me or changing our friendship because of my issues or bad days... This is HUGE.
The boyfriend has been through some things, too, and, between him and K&K, I could NOT have survived the last week financially or emotionally. I've been really, really lucky, and I am really, really proud of myself for not insisting that they go away while I have my issues. I couldn't be happier that these people are in my life the way they are. I am truly blessed to have all these things fall together that I never thought could- I truly feel lucky to be alive today.
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