The lady on the other end of the phone told me she'd cleaned out all my failed transactions so that I wouldn't have any more problems with my ATM/Debit card.
As I sorted out the problems and bills, a song called Modern Day Prodigal Son by Brantley Gilbert came on my radio.
I began to cry before I understood why.
I cried because I haven't allowed myself to trust anyone enough for them to become my family. I cried because I don't have a home to run back to. I cried because I've worked harder to protect myself from losing the two things I never had than to build them.
I cried because I have the chance to do it now, to not blow it this time, to have a home and a family, and I've already come so close to turning away from them.
I cried all the way home from the bank, in uniform, scared and overwhelmed at all the things that had just sunk in. I'm sitting here now, shocked that I'm not still crying. I'm almost numb now, mostly from being totally overwhelmed, I suppose.
I have a chance at a family and a home- people who won't mistreat me, people who I can- and have- corrected when they do something that hurts me who will fix their mistakes and neither of us have to walk away because of those mistakes. Forgiveness- that's what that's called. Acceptance. Love. How have I been so blind all this time not to realize what I was lacking?
So, I guess it's time to clear out all my failed transactions, too, and start fresh, one way or another....
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