Hi, I'm Zia and I'm an alcoholic...

Last night, I finished my first three steps of my first round of the 12-step Alcoholics Anonymous process.
It's something you never actually stop doing, so this won't be the last time I see step three- and, really, steps one through three are things you must do more or less daily to maintain your sanity anyway. Maybe some people don't need these sorts of things to remind them how to live, but I sure do.
I'm a third generation alcoholic, and a survivor of Munchhausen Syndrome By Proxy. I have survived rape, molestation, physical, mental and emotional abuse, as well as five and a half years in the army. I have been in therapy off and on since I was two- I wish I was kidding about that- and been in-patient, out-patient and treated patients (I was a medic) and yet the AA program has done more to help my sanity (what little there is) than any other type of therapy I've undergone. Medications never made the bad stuff go away or showed me how to cope, they just numbed me enough that I no longer cared what was happening. For some people, medication is the answer, and for others, it is the only way.
This wasn't true for me.
I go to at least one meeting a day- and I don't expect that to change.
Ever.
No, seriously, I'm not being dramatic here. AA is the place I go to check in with people who get what I've been through, and get that it's time to live today, not yesterday, not tomorrow. I don't have to tell the whole room everything I've been through- the vast majority of us seem to have had some experience with some really, really dark places and experiences. My sponsors (a married couple who prefer to co-sponsor) and a few select friends are the only ones in those rooms that know what I've experienced. I haven't felt like telling the entire room of people I see every day- some whom are friends or at least friendly, some who come and go or simply aren't people I've spoken to- just what I've experienced. Having survived sexual assault, I already feel like this crap is tattooed on my forehead. I don't really want to advertise it anymore than I feel it must already be advertised.
Oh, and I was sober more than three years before I came to a meeting. I was CONVINCED I didn't have a problem because I had done this on my own- only the drinking was a symptom of my brokenness, not the problem in it's entirety. I heard one friend say "I drank because I had feelings. Then I stopped drinking and the feelings were still there." This is EXACTLY what I experienced. All those horrible things the alcohol (and, later, medication) numbed me to never went away. So here I was trying to avoid the horrible side effects of medication and the AWFUL outcome of my drunken escapades and STILL I was trying to deal with ALL THIS STUFF all by myself. Nobody understood what I was struggling with, nobody got why I couldn't just let it go or get over it. True, I have PTSD- there's no doubt in my mind about that. But the alcohol made those bad things not so bad- until I sobered up and realized what new problems I'd added to the lot.
AA didn't help me quit drinking- but it has helped many, many, MANY people do so. AA helped me live. I'm never going to be "cured", and I'm probably never going to stop feeling safe enough in those AA meetings to want to go every day- and I hope not. Because, even though the memories, the pain, the experiences are still there, even though I'm not cured and not ready to rejoin the life I want so badly to lead, I am living today, today.
What the hell else matters?

Accountable

I didn't grow up "normally". I had one of those "difficult childhoods" people say make the most interesting adults.
Well, we got the interesting part right, huh?
Anywho, I talked to one of my co-sponsors (a married couple) yesterday, and made plans to have dinner with her and her wife today. Shit must have just gotten real, because it's finally hitting me- I want to run. Even though AA has made me feel a million and ten times better, even though I have no intentions of relapsing, I am terrified of the thought of someone holding me accountable for my every action- because it's never been done. How the hell do I just get used to something like that? How do I adjust to being responsible for telling my sponsors who I'm dating, sleeping with, hanging out with, what step work I've done.... everything? They're only there because I asked them to be, and, still, I'm terrified. This is a total repeat of every relationship I've ever been in, and it never occurred to me that accountability was something I resisted like this- I was so good at it in the military (until recently)....
This is hard.
I'm also seeing a guy, really good looking, so much fun, and also sober, who still very much has his walls up from the damage his last relationship did to him... We've gone around about not taking it too fast, and it just is what it is, and not needing to label it. He's told me if there's someone I want to start dating I can let him know... But we enjoy each other's company, and we spend as much time together as we can get away with. I like him a lot. He hasn't opened up to me much, but I understand a lot of his reasoning for being cautious about that, too. There's something really, really special about him, and, even if it doesn't turn into a true relationship, I'm really grateful to have him in my life, and to get the time with him I do. Maybe sometimes that needs to be enough- even if it is hard to remember when you're lying in bed alone, wanting that intimacy that comes with shared emotion. Then again, maybe learning to slow the F down is exactly what I've needed all along- and, if it turns into something in the long run, all the better.
ONE
DAY
AT
A
TIME