Today's video about living with and (hopefully) surviving CPTSD.... and the med board process.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Sudden Death
In the last half hour, I have gone from goofing off and singing along to Dwight Yoakum's Fast As You to feeling as though I'm drowning in the fear that's been absent these last few hours.
I've been sober three and a half years, April 21st will be four, and yet I've been craving alcohol worse than I have in at least six months lately, to the point I've seriously considered starting to drink again, even though I remember how hard it was to quit, and how much I hated who I was when I was drinking.
Right now, my fear is taking over- I don't know what triggered this today, I wish I did. All I know is that I'm terrified I'll never be able to remain in one relationship or one place very long. I'm scared I'm doomed to be one of the "broken" girls who moves endlessly from relationship to relationship, all doomed, all just waiting to end. I've never been what most would consider a "good girl"- I've always been reckless and wild, but I'm scared there's always going to be that division between me and "those" girls... The ones who marry one man, have children, and spend the rest of their lives with them, the ones who can trust a man completely, who can trust anyone completely, and control themselves and their fear enough to keep themselves and their man happy and together.... I'm not sure I'll ever be one of those girls.
This is PTSD, even as I sit here and recognize the symptoms, the habits, the all-or-nothing thinking, the hopelessness... Even though I can identify them, I cannot make them go away.
I've been sober three and a half years, April 21st will be four, and yet I've been craving alcohol worse than I have in at least six months lately, to the point I've seriously considered starting to drink again, even though I remember how hard it was to quit, and how much I hated who I was when I was drinking.
Right now, my fear is taking over- I don't know what triggered this today, I wish I did. All I know is that I'm terrified I'll never be able to remain in one relationship or one place very long. I'm scared I'm doomed to be one of the "broken" girls who moves endlessly from relationship to relationship, all doomed, all just waiting to end. I've never been what most would consider a "good girl"- I've always been reckless and wild, but I'm scared there's always going to be that division between me and "those" girls... The ones who marry one man, have children, and spend the rest of their lives with them, the ones who can trust a man completely, who can trust anyone completely, and control themselves and their fear enough to keep themselves and their man happy and together.... I'm not sure I'll ever be one of those girls.
This is PTSD, even as I sit here and recognize the symptoms, the habits, the all-or-nothing thinking, the hopelessness... Even though I can identify them, I cannot make them go away.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Drama And Doubts
I wonder if there's anyone who doesn't doubt themselves- seriously.
I made a choice to ask someone to leave my life months ago, and, even though everything that's happened since tells me that it was the right choice, a part of me still questions it. A lot of me is shocked that my best friend would rather leave to go live elsewhere than to get his crap together and remain a part of my life. Then there was him running back to his old ways despite the promise he made that he was different, and never wanted those people in his life again. I suppose it's for the best, but it's still a serious trip sometimes realizing that he could give up so easily when we'd become so close.
And now I'm staring down the barrel of some of the biggest changes of my life, and there's so much "new" it's startling- and so many people who I'd expected to be there through anything have proven that was never the case.
C is gone, S is gone, several people who I felt more obligated to than safe with have had to be asked to leave my life... This is a brand new start, but who knew brand new had to wipe out so much old?
I made a choice to ask someone to leave my life months ago, and, even though everything that's happened since tells me that it was the right choice, a part of me still questions it. A lot of me is shocked that my best friend would rather leave to go live elsewhere than to get his crap together and remain a part of my life. Then there was him running back to his old ways despite the promise he made that he was different, and never wanted those people in his life again. I suppose it's for the best, but it's still a serious trip sometimes realizing that he could give up so easily when we'd become so close.
And now I'm staring down the barrel of some of the biggest changes of my life, and there's so much "new" it's startling- and so many people who I'd expected to be there through anything have proven that was never the case.
C is gone, S is gone, several people who I felt more obligated to than safe with have had to be asked to leave my life... This is a brand new start, but who knew brand new had to wipe out so much old?
Turkey
So, C is a ego-maniacal, self-centered, clueless, phallo-centric prick.
But, since he spent the entire day... what day was that? I don't remember. Anywho, he spent the entire day drawing out a break-up via text message- which he blamed on his career. Before he'd even seen me.
So, yeah, that was a waste of time.
Funny thing? It pissed me off- not hurt me, just straight up pissed me off because he was such a coward about it. I mean, really, what does that say about my taste in friends?
Anyway, thankfully, my local biker family still had my back, and I went crying back to them (no, I wasn't ACTUALLY crying- jeeze, he's not worth all that!) and they welcomed me with open arms- turns out, they kinda saw this coming.
Po, my going-through-a-divorce, middle-aged-and-would-kick-my-butt-for-saying-so friend/family dude stayed at my place Saturday night so my niece could have her bed for a change. The conversation Sunday morning, when he finally managed to get my eyes to open, went something like this.
"We've been up for a while."
"Have you taken the dog O-U-T?"
"Yup. We smoked a few cigarettes and took a dump on the front lawn."
*looking at my dog* "I thought you quit smoking months ago!"
Po: "You shoulda seen the look on the neighbors' face when I took that dump right out front, man!"
....Bizarre, yes. We're still cracking jokes about this that people look at us like we're stupid for. We don't care. We're both going through shit, and if the thought of a 40-something year old man with grey hair crouched on my front lawn taking a dump makes us laugh, dammit, laugh we will!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, Boss Man has been on leave for over a week now, but mine still hasn't been approved. So I have no idea when I'll even start clearing post, or when I can expect to be able to move or leave the immediate area. All I know is the army stuff is wearing me out in a very big way.
The silver lining to this is that the more time I spend away from the army, the more I realize that I am able to get better. No harassment, no threats, no insane sanctions on my personal freedom and I start feeling much less like a dangerous, cornered animal and more like me.
But, since he spent the entire day... what day was that? I don't remember. Anywho, he spent the entire day drawing out a break-up via text message- which he blamed on his career. Before he'd even seen me.
So, yeah, that was a waste of time.
Funny thing? It pissed me off- not hurt me, just straight up pissed me off because he was such a coward about it. I mean, really, what does that say about my taste in friends?
Anyway, thankfully, my local biker family still had my back, and I went crying back to them (no, I wasn't ACTUALLY crying- jeeze, he's not worth all that!) and they welcomed me with open arms- turns out, they kinda saw this coming.
Po, my going-through-a-divorce, middle-aged-and-would-kick-my-butt-for-saying-so friend/family dude stayed at my place Saturday night so my niece could have her bed for a change. The conversation Sunday morning, when he finally managed to get my eyes to open, went something like this.
"We've been up for a while."
"Have you taken the dog O-U-T?"
"Yup. We smoked a few cigarettes and took a dump on the front lawn."
*looking at my dog* "I thought you quit smoking months ago!"
Po: "You shoulda seen the look on the neighbors' face when I took that dump right out front, man!"
....Bizarre, yes. We're still cracking jokes about this that people look at us like we're stupid for. We don't care. We're both going through shit, and if the thought of a 40-something year old man with grey hair crouched on my front lawn taking a dump makes us laugh, dammit, laugh we will!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, Boss Man has been on leave for over a week now, but mine still hasn't been approved. So I have no idea when I'll even start clearing post, or when I can expect to be able to move or leave the immediate area. All I know is the army stuff is wearing me out in a very big way.
The silver lining to this is that the more time I spend away from the army, the more I realize that I am able to get better. No harassment, no threats, no insane sanctions on my personal freedom and I start feeling much less like a dangerous, cornered animal and more like me.
Monday, November 19, 2012
Love, Family, Relationships..... And Me.
In case you missed that, I didn't grow up in anything resembling a healthy nuclear family.
Abuse, manipulation and lies were pretty much the standard set, although, somehow, neither my sister nor I seemed to pick up the "family values" set down for us by our mother.
So, at nearly twenty-seven years old, I'm learning how to be part of a long-term relationship, part of a family, and to actually really, truly love people, flaws and all, for the very first time.
Nobody ever could have put into words how hard this would be.
Television makes it look so EASY to fall in love- sure there's always the stupid outsider who tries to break them up, but other than that, they KNOW they're meant for each other, and don't ever get truly tempted to just give up because they're TIRED of trying. That's all that seems to happen in real life. Once, I believed that any relationship could work if both people wanted it enough. Now, well, I have a much, much harder time ever wanting it enough to go through half of what I've been put through... not to mention the hurdles I've actually had some part in.
And now, there's C. One of my oldest friends, someone I've been madly in love with for years, who hasn't shown me anything that made me think I stood a snowball's chance in hell, and now we're together-ish, I guess??? Oh yeah, and I'm moving eight hours away from the life I've been building to be with him- granted, a lot of what I've been working on is transferable, but, seriously, that's a LOT of risk on my part. Which, at the moment, I would say he doesn't understand in the slightest.
NOT IN THE SLIGHTEST!
I know I'll feel differently later, once I calm down and he pulls his juevos out of his throat to explain whatever it is going on in that twisted little brain of his, but right now, I'm MAD. PISSED!! I didn't get a response from him most of the day (which I did a damn good job of sucking up and dealing with, considering all those insecure little bitches playing ring-around-the-sanity so consistently) and then he's out at the bar with friends, which doesn't really bother me, but he has little to no interest in actually talking to me, but says I have his full attention, then tries to talk me down off of any topic of real importance.
WTF, DUDE?!
I open myself up, after five years of being convinced YOU didn't think I was good enough (okay, so that's basic Freudian projection, what the F ever, I didn't know that THEN, JERK!) and laid it all out on the table and- voila!- you suddenly- FINALLY!- said you felt the same- and, no less, HAD ALL ALONG?! WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!
Now, though, I'm just supposed to suck it up and accept all of this as natural and normal and not-questionable-or-scary-at-all and completely ignore the LAST FIVE AND A HALF YEARS OF SHIT?! WHAT PLANET ARE YOU LIVING ON?!
So, here's Miss Zia learning to actually believe people aren't ALL waiting to walk away and/or use her, and she's just supposed to have an easy time with all of this? Leave. The Crack Pipe. ALONE!
C is coming to visit this weekend. At one point, I was mad enough- albeit not entirely logically mad- that I considered telling him not to bother. And part of me wants to, just so MAYBE this boy will get a CLUE about what the hell he is asking me to DO here!!!!!!!!!! But I'll regret it if he doesn't fight me on it. And I hate the fact that I get why he can ignore my emotional moments- sometimes, that's just part of dealing with my crazy messy emotions. Ignore them. BUT NOT ALLLLLLLL OF THEM, JERKWAD.
Seriously? Some might be based on nothing but hormones and bad f'ing juju, but SOME OF THEM ARE STILL VALID AND NEED TO BE ADDRESSED.
OF COURSE I want/need to talk about this crap with the man I'm planning- not just considering, PLANNING- to move across f'ing Texas to be with, but Noooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!! He's got to be too stubborn to want to talk about this crap with me.
Whatever.
Jerk.
Abuse, manipulation and lies were pretty much the standard set, although, somehow, neither my sister nor I seemed to pick up the "family values" set down for us by our mother.
So, at nearly twenty-seven years old, I'm learning how to be part of a long-term relationship, part of a family, and to actually really, truly love people, flaws and all, for the very first time.
Nobody ever could have put into words how hard this would be.
Television makes it look so EASY to fall in love- sure there's always the stupid outsider who tries to break them up, but other than that, they KNOW they're meant for each other, and don't ever get truly tempted to just give up because they're TIRED of trying. That's all that seems to happen in real life. Once, I believed that any relationship could work if both people wanted it enough. Now, well, I have a much, much harder time ever wanting it enough to go through half of what I've been put through... not to mention the hurdles I've actually had some part in.
And now, there's C. One of my oldest friends, someone I've been madly in love with for years, who hasn't shown me anything that made me think I stood a snowball's chance in hell, and now we're together-ish, I guess??? Oh yeah, and I'm moving eight hours away from the life I've been building to be with him- granted, a lot of what I've been working on is transferable, but, seriously, that's a LOT of risk on my part. Which, at the moment, I would say he doesn't understand in the slightest.
NOT IN THE SLIGHTEST!
I know I'll feel differently later, once I calm down and he pulls his juevos out of his throat to explain whatever it is going on in that twisted little brain of his, but right now, I'm MAD. PISSED!! I didn't get a response from him most of the day (which I did a damn good job of sucking up and dealing with, considering all those insecure little bitches playing ring-around-the-sanity so consistently) and then he's out at the bar with friends, which doesn't really bother me, but he has little to no interest in actually talking to me, but says I have his full attention, then tries to talk me down off of any topic of real importance.
WTF, DUDE?!
I open myself up, after five years of being convinced YOU didn't think I was good enough (okay, so that's basic Freudian projection, what the F ever, I didn't know that THEN, JERK!) and laid it all out on the table and- voila!- you suddenly- FINALLY!- said you felt the same- and, no less, HAD ALL ALONG?! WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!
Now, though, I'm just supposed to suck it up and accept all of this as natural and normal and not-questionable-or-scary-at-all and completely ignore the LAST FIVE AND A HALF YEARS OF SHIT?! WHAT PLANET ARE YOU LIVING ON?!
So, here's Miss Zia learning to actually believe people aren't ALL waiting to walk away and/or use her, and she's just supposed to have an easy time with all of this? Leave. The Crack Pipe. ALONE!
C is coming to visit this weekend. At one point, I was mad enough- albeit not entirely logically mad- that I considered telling him not to bother. And part of me wants to, just so MAYBE this boy will get a CLUE about what the hell he is asking me to DO here!!!!!!!!!! But I'll regret it if he doesn't fight me on it. And I hate the fact that I get why he can ignore my emotional moments- sometimes, that's just part of dealing with my crazy messy emotions. Ignore them. BUT NOT ALLLLLLLL OF THEM, JERKWAD.
Seriously? Some might be based on nothing but hormones and bad f'ing juju, but SOME OF THEM ARE STILL VALID AND NEED TO BE ADDRESSED.
OF COURSE I want/need to talk about this crap with the man I'm planning- not just considering, PLANNING- to move across f'ing Texas to be with, but Noooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!! He's got to be too stubborn to want to talk about this crap with me.
Whatever.
Jerk.
Modeling and Mayhem
So, I did a shoot with my friend over at M.A.R.H. Photography on Saturday. He's currently working his magic on the already-incredible photographs, and I'm looking forward to getting more of them back. Seriously, if you're in the El Paso, TX area, he's the man to contact for photographs- I don't know how many times I've seen pictures he's taken of me that I immediately said "REALLY?! That's ME?!" to. He's a lot of fun to work with, and he's bilingual, too.
This one was his "holy grail" shot- he was THRILLED to get the gorgeous car and one of his favorite models (or so he says) in shot like this. I was having fun, and just thought this was a great picture. Again, WONDERFUL dude to work with.
It wasn't any surprise today when I found out that my departure from the military was delayed just a bit more (again), so at least the freak-out was minimal. My anxiety has been SUPER high these last few days, especially when dealing with anything even remotely military- and some things/people not.
I got into an argument with one of my guy friends last night after he posted something referencing something or other "whore"-related. I picked a bad time to bring up the subject, as my anxiety was already very high, but it will never not bother me when people use a term like this. I'm loud, crazy, and often angry- but judgmental is a trait I work hard to avoid- but never claim to fully manage to dodge. I'm not perfect, far from it, and I get that.
But words like "whore" and "slut" are so hateful and judgmental at their very core that I don't see how there could ever be a true purpose for their existence. One of my female friends, one of several who prides herself on being a slut and who sees freedom in living as such, pointed out that whore literally means someone who gives sexual favors in exchange for monetary gain. Good point, but I'll stick with prostitute. It gets the point across equally as well without being primarily derogatory in nature.
Another good friend of mine said, and I quote: Everyone knows that sluts are just women who do as they please, and please they do! I love her. So much. She rocks.
I will never. NEVER. NEVVVVVVVVVVEEEERRRRR call another woman a slut or whore. I refuse. It's a useless, patriarchal, judgmental attitude that comes with those words, and I refuse to allow my niece or any other young girls see me judge another woman- there's enough hate and judgment in the world, I won't add to it so far as I can help it.
As a two-time rape survivor, I don't care who you choose to sleep with, how many people you choose to sleep with, when or where you do so- so long as you're honest and respectful (including being safe!) with everyone you're involved with, I don't think it's anybody else's place to know, care or judge.
Slut-shaming is wrong.
It wasn't any surprise today when I found out that my departure from the military was delayed just a bit more (again), so at least the freak-out was minimal. My anxiety has been SUPER high these last few days, especially when dealing with anything even remotely military- and some things/people not.
I got into an argument with one of my guy friends last night after he posted something referencing something or other "whore"-related. I picked a bad time to bring up the subject, as my anxiety was already very high, but it will never not bother me when people use a term like this. I'm loud, crazy, and often angry- but judgmental is a trait I work hard to avoid- but never claim to fully manage to dodge. I'm not perfect, far from it, and I get that.
But words like "whore" and "slut" are so hateful and judgmental at their very core that I don't see how there could ever be a true purpose for their existence. One of my female friends, one of several who prides herself on being a slut and who sees freedom in living as such, pointed out that whore literally means someone who gives sexual favors in exchange for monetary gain. Good point, but I'll stick with prostitute. It gets the point across equally as well without being primarily derogatory in nature.
Another good friend of mine said, and I quote: Everyone knows that sluts are just women who do as they please, and please they do! I love her. So much. She rocks.
I will never. NEVER. NEVVVVVVVVVVEEEERRRRR call another woman a slut or whore. I refuse. It's a useless, patriarchal, judgmental attitude that comes with those words, and I refuse to allow my niece or any other young girls see me judge another woman- there's enough hate and judgment in the world, I won't add to it so far as I can help it.
As a two-time rape survivor, I don't care who you choose to sleep with, how many people you choose to sleep with, when or where you do so- so long as you're honest and respectful (including being safe!) with everyone you're involved with, I don't think it's anybody else's place to know, care or judge.
Slut-shaming is wrong.
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