I am no longer a bouncer.
I quit.
The environment felt increasingly unhealthy for me to stay in, so I left.
I feel purposeless.
At about the same time, I began seeing, romantically, someone I've been friends with for a while now. We've been together just shy of two months now, and things are still really good between us.
And then there's me.
I've had some time to myself now to reflect on my emotions, on the way these changes are playing on my emotions and, well, I feel completely.... disenfranchised. It took me two days to find the word I needed, but that's the right one.
I just feel like I'm free floating- not making any difference to the world around me, no roots, no connection, just a free floating cell, bouncing off objects around me, walls, ceilings, people, ideas.... No tangible interaction with anything of any real significance.
I feel like I had to become part of this relationship to see it.
Maybe it's taken me longer to wrap my head around it and realize it because I'm so used to just being a wanderer, a scavenger, a loner... It's taken me years of near-constant changes to come to see how different I am from those in the world around me. They have consistent places to live, at least semi-consistent groups of friends and family. My sister came to town to visit for a week last month. My dog bounces between traveling around wherever I am and staying at the house I get my mail at but rarely spend time anymore.....
So I'm looking at buying a camper- something inexpensive, less than 10k, but with a bathroom and shower, other than that I don't care all that much, as long as it's in reasonable condition. I am not ready to call any place home, but I do need to feel like I have something of my own, something nobody else can take from me, or claim, or call theirs.
I need a place to live, where I can come and go as I please, without sleeping on someone's couch or in their spare room. And, preferably, somewhere that doesn't tie me down. Which is why a camper is perfect- throw it on the trailer hitch (that I still have to buy) and go.
So, I'm going to finish paying off my credit card, apply for the loan, and then apply for school. It's taken me months- okay almost a year, really, to figure out what I want to do. I keep falling back on massage therapy, because it's cheap, easy, fast, and makes it easy to do for tips wherever I end up.
But becoming a sign language interpreter is better money, and makes more sense.
So.... yeah.
I'm still fighting myself about this, obviously.
